That guy?That guy?!
THAT GUY?!?!?
THAT'S the guy everyone of my breed has been compared to over the past year? THAT is the guy whose name women across the world have been screaming in their sleep? THAT is the guy my wife probably wishes I was more like!! TEEN WOLF??
I'm sorry. I have to get something off my tan hairless muscular mortal chest.
Liz talked me into going to see this flick last night and all I can say is I am even more at a loss with understanding the female kind. Was it supposed to be a comedy? Because I was laughing (inside and out) the entire time. I even asked the theater ushers if someone was microwaving a quesadilla, because I smelt cheese...lots of cheese.
Let's talk about Dad Cullen first. Wasn't that "Mike Dexter", the bully jock from Can't Hardly Wait?! Wasn't this guy supposed to be like 45 years old? Is is weird that the dad looked younger than his sprouts? Was there a reason he had 12 pounds of white powder on his face? Every time he talked I laughed.
And oh, let's talk about Bella. Where did she learn to act? Awkward School? That scene at the end when she's like, "This is the life I choose. I want to be a vampire" and then she leans her head back for Edward to bite her neck...and he goes in for the jugular...and then BAM!! Dramatic turn!!! He kisses her neck instead!!! PSYYYYYYYCHE!!!What about the tree climbing scene? What. The. Heck. I never knew that Vampires were descendants of flying squirrels.
...and Edward? Oh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...?estas seriouso? I know they were going for the butt-white look, but I didn't think they were going for the butt-ugly look, too. Either way, he nailed both. His arms looked like he just got full-length casts cut off that were on there for 6 months...you know what I'm talking about? Your arm are limp, your arm hair is nasty black and smells like death. And that chest hair? Either shave it or grow it out but don't do the '2 week shadow'.
There were 2 parts I did enjoy. The previews, and the End credits. Other than that...I will be sleeping soundly tonight as well as every other boyfriend/husband should...
Men, he's got nuthin on us.
-Collin
Collin - you just earned extra points as far as I'm concerned! Glad to hear someone NOT gushing over the ridiculousness that is Twilight! Thanks for the smile! (Tell Liz I'm sorry! LOL!)
ReplyDeleteOMG!~!!! although i don't quite agree with Mr. Collin's assessment, i spit out my coffee laughing until i almost pee'd reading that!!! thanks for the laugh this morning...
ReplyDelete!janet
Wow!! That's all I can say.
ReplyDeleteI thought when you left the theatre you said "it wasn't that bad!" :)
haha!! That's funny hun!
*laughs out loud*
ReplyDeleteLet me just say: nah. He's really nothing, is he?! He's hotter in the book. As are the rest of them, and don't get me STARTED on Jacob and how wrongly they cast him.
However - yes. Daddy Cullen IS supposed to look about the same age as the kids. Borrow wifey's books, why dontcha? They're actually well written! You'll like. :)
That is too funny! I am the only girl in my family who hasn't read the books, and after reading your review I kinda want to watch the movie so I can laugh at it... but I'll wait to rent it.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Took the DH and he felt pretty much the same way. I was disappointed with the movie, but I loved the books, so I'm still a Twilight fan.
ReplyDeleteBut every now and then, it's nice to be reassured that your spouse truly loves your company. And I have to say - for him to enjoy that date, it was definitely the company that was the draw - NOT the movie. :D
Hee hee! I couldn't even finish the book, lol, after the first 3 chapters I just couldn't waste any more time on it. There's a reason they're in the teen section, but I suppose there's entertainment to be had in reading them?
ReplyDeleteYour assessment sounds like how my husband and I felt after watching Titanic, what an awful movie THAT was. :) Thanks for the laugh!
OK, I haven't had a chance to see this yet, but this was too funny for words! I am totally having my husband read this when he gets home! I have to agree with everything you have said, though I do LOVE the "Edward" in the book, the cast is pretty bad for this movie, and I did hear the acting leaves much to be desired....thanks for YOUR take on things. Too funny!
ReplyDeleteLove it!! I'm dragging the hubs to it tomorrow for our Turkey Day Movie. I'll have to have him read this steller movie review. And... I completely agree, THAT is Edward?! WHAT?!
ReplyDeleteSo true Tracy! Atleast they came with us to the movie! :)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the movie!
The characters all started growing on me by the end-except Rosalie!
I think Collin liked it DEEP down! :)
deep deep down! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Collin, for the BEST.BLOG.ENTRY.ABOUT.TWILIGHT.SO.FAR.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Krys72599...GREAT job, Collin! I read the first book and though...gag! I work in a high school library and can't believe how crazy people (yes, even some of the guys) are over these books. However, I must say that I read The Host and thoroughly enjoyed it. Am looking forward to the sequel and possibly the movie version?
ReplyDeleteYou are so funny, Collin! I'm currently reading the 4th book, and I have to say that it's more out of curiosity than enjoyment! I want to see how it all ends!
ReplyDeleteIs it possible to cast a character that is very white, cold, and as hard as marble? I don't think he even sounds attractive in the book! Who wants to kiss marble?!
Of course, I will have to go see the movie - it's that curiosity thing!
Too too funny! Although I think you all might be misunderstanding the hype of it all. It's not that all the women love Edward in the movie, as in the actor that plays him. The true twilight fans love Edward from the books. The idea of this fairy tale, perfect guy, even if he is a vampire :)
ReplyDeleteI laughed outloud though Collin!! And don't worry, I'm pretty sure Liz loves you more than Edward. Afterall he's just a character in a book!
I LOVE the books!! I agree with you completely on the movie, but I went to see a matinee, so didn't feel so bad about the money! I was getting dirty looks in the theatre because I was laughing during a lot of the so-called 'serious' scenes. It was totally cheesy and completely aimed at the teen crowd. I didn't have very high expectations going in, so I was not entirely disappointed, and I was entertained, despite the cheese...
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone, it's a big dissapointment to all of us!!!
ReplyDeletehttp://halfofvamh.blogspot.com/2008/11/twilight-midnight-madness-hot-off-press.html
http://allthingsgd.blogspot.com/2008/11/twilight-movie.html
I haven't seen the movie yet but I just laughed until I cried reading this. I'll have to let my husband read this AFTER we go see it;) Thanks for the laugh Collin!
ReplyDeleteuh! so glad to hear more on the side of 'what is the big deal?' than all too giddy hype...loved the review, loved the honesty...even more reason not to bother...(you should post reviews more often!!!)
ReplyDeleteabsolutely crazy hilarious!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! Liz...you have such a keeper with Collin! I laughed while reading this entire post! I can't imagine being married to someone who makes me laugh 24/7 and from being an avid reader of your blog, Collin is definitly that!
ReplyDeleteGlad to know I am not alone in this. I read books one and two and didn't really like them. So I don't think I will waste my time going to the movie. Maybe I'll rent it when it comes out on DVD just for a laugh, but I agree with Collin. Why is everyone comparing their husbands/boyfriends to this vampire kid? It is beyond me. Thanks for the laugh.
ReplyDeleteoh THANK YOU!!!! i do not understand the obsession either. none of them are attractive, the acting is horrible and it looks like they spent $50 to make the whole movie. not to mention, i miss my Thanksgiving Harry Potter. what a mess!
ReplyDeletethanks for the laugh! happy thanksgiving!
Even though I have to disagree with you over Robert Pattison, kudos on the hysterical post. Especially the part about Bella...I have to agree there. LOL And hey - at least you went with your wife. My husband? Would. Not. Be. Caught. DEAD. Or undead. Anywhere. Near. Twilight. So, more kudos!
ReplyDeleteLOLOL. This is too funny! I loved the book, but was disappointed with the movie. Nice to get this perspective from a husband. . .no way I could drag mine to this one!
ReplyDeleteCompletely agree with you Collin! LOVED the books, hated the movie!
ReplyDeletehilarious!
ReplyDeleteI am laughing so hard right now. I haven't seen the movie yet but I heard it was cheesy and very laughable. Seriously, I needed this good laugh today!!
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU! I am SO not into these books... but your poor wife, she must not be speaking to you right now! :)
ReplyDeleteOMG!!! I still can't stop laughing, all of what he said is so true. Collin you are soooo funny can only imagine how Liz feels every day. Eres muy comico! Love from ST. George
ReplyDeleteCollin and Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteHello! I have read the Twilight series and absolutely love it! I haven't seen the movie yet though. I just don't want to be let down. I too am not sure about the choice for Edward - maybe I will change my mind once I see the movie, but I had him looking more like a serious Ashton Kutcher type - or someone you could just stare at all day. I am going to try to like who was choosen to play Edward though - He's such a great guy!...or Vampire I should say and I have to defend him! Ha!
Rhonda
Dear Collin,
ReplyDeleteI just passed out...
As I wipe the tears from my cheeks I realize that you have not read the books and are not completely in tune with your "Twilightiness." I normally love every post from and/or about you. I think you are a hilarious dude...but I think you are using Cleetus's brain for your movie review. LOL! Just joking...you crack me up!
Still a Collin Fan,
Scrappy
Oops that was supposed to be under my name not my 70s show loving teen...
ReplyDeleteScrappy
Gee, Collin... jealous much?
ReplyDeleteI guess some men can't handle other men getting all the attention.
Grow up.
Remember- It's. A. Movie.
Oh my gosh, this made me laugh so hard. I for one don't care to see any romantic movie. And I don't understand why a perfectly good, blood-sucking vampire movie has to be ruined by romance. But this was funny :D
ReplyDeleteOK.. so i just about died laughing. my kids are sound asleep and i had to "try" to be quiet. My head now hurts and i have tears streaming down my face. OMG! Very entertaining and I even sent it off to my hubby so he could read your review!
ReplyDeleteSo I have to post annon so Zarah doesn't send me hate comments... but Twilight books well written? I almost spit out my... well, I'm not drinking anything but if I was I'd be wiping up a big mess right now?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I am no English major, but the books were PLAUGED with grammer and editing errors. I gave it up to the first book for being a first publish... low budget, yadda yadda yadda... but the rest of the books were just as bad. It's not hard to write teen romance, Bella faints, falls into his arms... oh Edward, your chest is like marble... ohh, swooning again!
Collin...You seem like a good fellow...you have an amazing wife who many followers adore...but don't be mislead... I was proud of my reading record - no dime store romance novels to be found anywhere in my reading log (the ones with the busty woman with her clothes half ravaged off on the cover?) I digress... what I mean to say, is after reading all 4 books, I'm not sure my record is clean anymore!!!
OOOhh what a hoot! that post made my day, even though Twilight hasn't hit Aussie screens just yet, I think Col's take could apply to many flicks, Jo
ReplyDeleteFunny. The books are just okay. I'm reading just to keep up with what everyone's talking about. I will eventually see the movie, but am not expecting much. Thanks for a good giggle. Oh, and no - my hubby would never go see this in a million years. Kudos for taking one for the wifey. ;)
ReplyDeleteROTFLMAO!! I was feeling really bad that I am the only female I know who has not read this book. I'm feelin pretty good now. Thanks for the post!
ReplyDeleteDon't be embarrassed!! I am still laughing about it. I called my sis-in-law and told her to read your blog!!
ReplyDeletei so agree, what a bust! BORING!!!!! I read the book and can't believe the ending they rewrote, again BORING!!!! I never read any other of the books.
ReplyDeleteO ! MY ! GOD!! Collin is so funny!!
ReplyDeleteI did not read the book or see the movie although I picked the book up about to buy it several times. Is the book worth reading??
Liz you must be in stitches all the time.
I am a HUGE Office fan, so I will have to take Collins review and wait for it to come out on video.
...just when I was starting to think Collin was perfect! LOL
ReplyDeleteHave to agree, worst movie I have EVER seen in a theater.
ReplyDeleteStill like the books even though maybe not as much as the pre-movie experience.
Thank you-I thought it was HORRIBLE! I laughed thru out the entire movie. I was very disappointed-they could have made it really good, but instead wasted a lot of money. I died when carlisle came into the movie-his make up was terrible. Too bad. At least the books are great!
ReplyDeleteOne girl here who will NOT be seeing this movie. I can’t, for the life of me, understand how vampires are suppose to be alluring and romantic...I’m at a loss for words...
ReplyDeletethanks for giving away the ending of the movie and book. I only had 2 more chapters to go till I was done. :P
ReplyDeleteI do have to agree that the first 7 or 8 chapters of the book were aweful and boring. I kept reading to see what all the hype was. I wont waste my money on the movie though.
you are tooooooo funny. I personally do not understand the hype with twightlight but i love Jason Castro (should have been american idol) and I'm 45 so who am i to judge. I love when you hyjack.
ReplyDeleteedward cullen/rob pattinson is a total babe. 'nough said.
ReplyDeleteCol I'm so glad I am related to you. I honestly about peed myself laughing just now. Love you guys.
ReplyDeleteCol I'm so glad I am related to you. I honestly about peed myself laughing just now. Love you guys.
ReplyDeletebwhahahahaha!! i have neither read the books nor seen the movie but this review is still entertaining and priceless.
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE SO FUNNY! I have no idea what the book or movie is all about but the review was hilarious!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the laughs!
It is actually a Teen Series I liked it not loved it so your critic review is cute and funny. What we read on this blog you are so much better than Edward! You are not a Teen lol.Movies are all about fantasy...like Sex and the City (my age group) Men did not get it and I live in "The City" and want to do the remake "The Sex and the City Myth" haha. HUgs Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family...oh you should blog more often the man version! LOL! Grace
ReplyDeleteWhile I liked the movie okay, I really don't think the guy who played Edward is attractive...certainly not as attractive as he is described in the book.
ReplyDeleteOMG!!!! I have not seen the movie but now I want to to just have a good laugh!! I'm with you, he does not look all that desirable to me. And from the commercials I thought the tree climbing scenes looked a little silly, too.
ReplyDeletelmao- this is super funny- I am one of those twilighters- I lovd him in the roll and yes, I still say his mane in my sleep....lol
ReplyDeleteHello Collin, my name is Amy and I am apparently the only woman in the US who not only doesn't like Edward...I still can't get through the book...and I LOVE TO READ! I never made it to the movie and now I am wondering if I'll even order it OnDemand when it hits HBO. I just can't figure out what all the fuss is about but it makes me think I have the next best selling novel in my English major brain just waiting to make millions, and I won't even have to try very hard!! Way to tell it like it is!!!
ReplyDeleteUm...I think you're absolutely retarded!!! Have you by chance looked in the mirror lately...obviously not because you have NOTHING on Edward!! I think I smell jealousy!!! (sniff! sniff!...yep...Its definately jealousy!!)
ReplyDeleteI am at a loss for words. You mean to tell me you watched "Can't Hardly Wait"? wink
ReplyDeleteHilarious. I'll be skipping this one. It seems that the film is as overrated as the books.
ReplyDeleteFor at least the last month I have been asking everyone what the heck this Twilight thing is all about. The weirdest thing is that no one tells me!! I definitely live under rock. So from what your saying it's a vampire movie with an ugly guy? Hmmmm....the rock stays. It's comfy under here. Thanks for a great laugh...I just wish I knew what I was laughing at! LOL!
ReplyDeletesuper lol!
ReplyDeleteThat's pretty funny!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the review, Collin! I'm glad I listened to my inner voice that told me I should be going to sleep at twilight, instead of going to see Twilight. You saved me $30 at the theater!
ReplyDeleteI think I can safely say that most women who have read the books and seen the movie would take the "book Edward" over the "movie Edward." Way better in the book. but I did enjoy the movie but I didn't LOVE IT as much as the books. But your post was a good laugh!!!
ReplyDeleteAmen, brother!! I *am* a die-hard Twilight BOOKS fan, but the movie was RANK!! I was laughing through it because it was so bad, and so was most of the the theater (except the teeny-bopper girls screaming when the goon portraying Edward came on screen).
ReplyDeleteIn defense of those of us who love the books though, THAT GUY was *NOT*!! Edward. Edward is collected, intelligent, polished, and above all, wonderfully romantic. So, no worries about the movie actor, but you may still have to contend with the book Edward ;)
Collin you are an absolute crackup. By the way we haven't seen it in Oz thanks for ruining the ending....LOL.....just joking.
ReplyDeleteI always find the movies are never as good as the book & they don't seem to choose the right guy. Obviously the movie has nothing on the Lost Boys.....I might not bother....sorry Liz.....mel xx
Well, I haven't seen the movie (yet) but have read all the books, and loved them. Once I started, I couldn't put them down, and read the entire series in about a week.
ReplyDeleteHad my suspicions that the movie wouldn't be done that well when they cast Cedric Diggory ( of Harry Potter fame) as Edward. Really? Are you serious?? That was SOOO not what I imagined Edward to look like. And Victoria? Hello... RED hair!
Still undecided if I'll see it in the theatre.. at least if I go, it'll be by myself (which is definitely not as expensive as when the whole family goes!)
Have to disagree about her other book, Host, though. I started reading it maybe a month and a half ago. I'm so NOT into the book that I can't even bring myself to finish reading it. Which is SO not like me.
I feel like I am the only female that hated the book! I refuse to see the movie. Edward sounded hideous in the book (his sparkly white skin). Why would anyone date a vampire, let alone someone that threatens to kill them. I am in a book club with a bunch of women that love Edward (I gag when they talk about him).
ReplyDeleteOh Collin - you have the same problem as my husband! Jealous:)
ReplyDeleteGo Collin!!! You all are sooo funny!!! Have a Great Thanksgiving!!!
ReplyDeleteHAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!
OMG that is so freakin' hilarious!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to hear somebody else not GUSHING over the abomination that is this movie. I loved the books, but hated this movie!!! =)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh!
If it makes you feel any better at all, I DO NOT LIKE vampires or the look of that guy at all and DID not get into those books!! I just don't get it at all! tara
ReplyDeleteThis is TOO funny! I read the books and loved them. I saw the movie (my hubby surprised me with tickets) and enjoyed it- not as good as the books, but I still enjoyed "seeing" it! :)
ReplyDeletehee hee, no one is really listening to what you a mere mortal man has to say, what was your name again? LOL
ReplyDeleteOkay, as funny as I thought your post was (and it was funny!), am I the only one who loved the movie and is not afraid to admit it? LOL
ReplyDeleteNope, I loved the movie as well. Ran right out afterward and bought the book - and to the book I say, DWAA? The movie was FANTASTIC compared to the book - although yes, I will finish the freaking series because, well, I have to. :) Bella spent ENTIRELY too much time on OMG how perfect and godlike Edward is (in the book) and it was just fine with me that there was significantly less of that in the movie. Holy cow, woman, grow some self-respect already!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a fun posting. Thanks Collin! :D I enjoyed it even though I disagree on many things. You've got writing skills man! The movie wasn't well made (lots of cheese!) but I still enjoyed just staring at Edward. :D The books are million times better than the movie. Me lovey all about Twilight. Dr Cullen was supposed to look young. I think people who've read the books got more out of the movie because they know all the little details that they didn't have time for in the movie.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping the next movie will have a different director and a bigger budget to have some cool special effects that were desperately missing in this one.
Anyway, loved your posting. :D
Excellent! lol
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more. ;) hehe
Still love ya, Elizabeth!
Haha! That is one of the funniest reviews I ever read! I haven't seen the movie and read the book yet but now if I do, Collin's review would be stuck on my head. LOL. You have a cool hubby there Liz! Beware though, you should probably change your password by now. Haha! ;)
ReplyDeleteYou are so hilarious! I was laughing the whole time I read your post, and I'm a Twlight Fan-so that's saying something. I'm still going to drag my hubby to it tomorrow, but now I think I'm jaded.
ReplyDeleteOMG, too funyy!!!
ReplyDeleteOK, so I am ridiculously into the Twilight books and currently reading the fourth one. It's almost an unhealthy obsession.
I will tell you that I went to see the movie and thought it left something to be desired. Bella annoyed me terribly in the book and the movie and Edward wasn't as I had "envisioned" him. They also switched some stuff around and I understand why, but having just finished the first book I was a bit disappointed with the movie.
However, I went back with a friend to watch it a second time (gasp, I know) and I have to confess it was MUCH better the second time around. I didn't have the expectations I had the first time and was able to actually enjoy it much more.
Yes, it had it's funny and cheesy parts, I agree. And it was somewhat juvenile. But I think you really need to go back and you'll see how much better it is the second time around.
Takes a lot to make me laugh out loud. Collin makes me bust a gut!! Could you please review some more movies for us??? I bet you could get quite a following. :) Just saw AUSTRALIA tonight. What a weird movie. Would love to hear your take on it.
ReplyDeleteTakes a lot to make me laugh out loud. Collin makes me bust a gut!! Could you please review some more movies for us??? I bet you could get quite a following. :) Just saw AUSTRALIA tonight. What a weird movie. Would love to hear your take on it.
ReplyDeleteCollin- I think you need your own blog... you make me laugh so hard! So funny!
ReplyDeleteMy vote's still out on the movie- not too sure if I liked it or not?! Love the books though!
Liz- you probably spend the majority of your days laughing... lucky you!
Amen Collin. I hear you loud and clear. Cedric Diggory was a pansy in Harry Potter and is an even bigger loser in this one. How can we get Voldemort to kill him again?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to say, Liz, that I must agree with Colin. And I'm with amymarco as well. I've been reading the books out of curiosity more than enjoyment. I almost stopped reading the first book in the first few chapters because I didn't think that she was making her main character very likable.
ReplyDeleteI find the moral dilemmas a push-pull for me. And the larger-than-life love that they feel for each other? Something that comes on so fast and furious? I think we in the world have a word for that - lust.
It is what it is. A teen thriller. It is a little unsettling that the author seems okay with writing about a teenage girl who allows a hundred year old vampire to watch her sleep through the night.
Anyway, the action and suspense is what is keeping me curious, but I have a suspicion that the movie will REALLY let me down. Thanks Colin for the honest opinion.
Collin I'm with you...don't know what the "hoopla" is all about...Ed, Edward, Eddie, whatever...butt ugly! LOL
ReplyDeleteYes, this is the best review I've read yet, you had me laughing out loud! I agree totally, the cheese part..yeah, and I was a big Jacob fan until I saw the movie myself. What, the little boy from Sharkboy and LavaGirl, please!!!! Don't even get me started on how Edward's sparkling looked like he was sweating. Thanks for the hijack, it was worth it!
ReplyDeleteI must agree with Collin on this one! It was a lame teeny bopper movie!Blah! You are hilarious the way you put it!! Well said!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I laughed out loud through all Collins descriptions and I know Josh 100% agrees with him. I mostly agree with him on the movie but if I ever convince him to read the books let me know how you did it so Josh will read them too. He thinks I'm a lunatic for liking anything that resembled the movie.
ReplyDeleteCollin your review rocks!! I totally agree!
ReplyDeleteHey Collin, too funny that you didn't like the movie. I have to agree with a lot of the comments. The books were better, women aren't in love with Edward the Actor, but Edward the book character, Charlisle is only 23 when he is "turned" so he's supposed to look young, they characters are described as soo white they have purple circles under their eyes some of the time, the character of Bella IS awckward, sometimes it was hard to read though her awkwardness, and you should read the books. I loved the books but I don't really get all of the screaming girls asking the actress that played Belle what it's like to kiss a vampire... ummm, how would she know? Hello, people, it's just a movie!!
ReplyDeletethe books are much better and i was disappointed at the movie...i felt i was watching a high school drama club production...
ReplyDeletei have to agree it was pretty bad :)
but i still love edward ...in my head he was much cuter from the books...hehehehe
You've got to read the books dude!!! It's so not the same thing. It's like comparing driving the real car to looking at the hotwheels version through the plastic.
ReplyDeleteThis review is hilarious! Even though I enjoyed the movie, you are just a crack up!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha!!! I reall love the movie, maybe because I love the books. Yes it did have some cheese in it, but I guess you can just say its a guilty pleasure of mine. Oh and Collin you HAVE GOT to come over to my site and see what Santa got my daughter for Christmas. You will love it! :)
ReplyDeleteI just sent this to all my friends that LOVED the movie....I am with you! Totally cheesy...and to say they are making another one????
ReplyDeleteI just sent this to all my friends that LOVED the movie....I am with you! Totally cheesy...and to say they are making another one????
ReplyDelete