"Happy Birthday Charlie, Happy Birthday..."

Hearken Ye Olde Citizens of Blogland, from anear and from afar...(that means listen up foo.)

It's May 4 peeps and we all know what that means...IT'S LiZ's BiRtHdAy!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUN!

In tradition of previous Birthday's since the invention/curse/blessing/you say tomato I say it's a fruit/ of Blogger, I shall scrap my original plans of creating a birthday card from an old Little Ceasar's pizza box ("I'm Hot and Ready for You") and stick to the blogcard.

I've known Liz since she was a freshman at Timpview High (my baseball team was 0-13 that year). I remember the first time I saw her...she walked across the commons and instantly caught my eye...maybe it was her huge bangs, or the way her butt looked in those Jordache jeans, or maybe it was those sexy metal braces...but it was then I realized "One day, she will be mine, and I'll blog a birthday card for that girl."

Over the years, Liz has taught me many of lessons in wisdom and I have heard her utter many pearls of truth, some of which I'd like to share with you now....

"28 Lessons Learned and Comments Heard by My Wife, Liz Kartchner"

1. After giving Avery a Reese's Peanut Butter Easter Egg, "The best time to put Avery down is after she's had some sugar." Take note, future Mother's of America.

2. It's absolutely worth a 30 minute drive to the only K-Mart that has a photobooth to get a strip of 4 B&W pictures taken.

3. After the nationwide protest of the bailout on April 15, me: "Hey hun, did you see they had a bunch of Boston tea parties all over the nation today?" Liz: "Really!? Oh, fun! I would've had one had I known!"

4. Whenever your husband is on an important phone call, always stick your butt in his face, shake it, and say, "Do you like deese?"

5. When cutting open an apple just a couple weeks ago (yes people, at age 27) "Collin, where do apple trees come from?" Me: "Are you serious? From those brown seeds." Liz, holding up an apple seed, "That big tree from this little guy?!" (go easy, she was a Behavioral Science Major)

6. Always bring a couple quarters with you because you never know when you'll run into a gumball machine. And if it's the kind that has the Nerds inside, bite it in 2 pieces, and always give your husband the side with the most slobber on it.

7. There are a couple ways to buy clothes without your husband knowing/asking questions. When he notices you wearing a new outfit, but can't recall being there when you bought it, you respond one of the following: A.) "Oh this? Oh...I got this a LONG time ago. Haven't worn it forever!" (you bought it last weekend) B.) "Oh, this? I had an old gift card I never used." or C.) "Oh, this? I took back that one jacket I bought a while back." Women be shoppin.

8. When you're done chewing gum, do NOT get off the couch and go throw it away yourself. Simply, roll it up into a disgusting ball, inconspicuously pretend you want to hold her husband's hand, and stick it to his palm. When he says, "Gross, I ain't chucking that for you," just sit there and smile real big.

9. When you are done with dinner, there is no reason to waste good dish-soap.

10. While signing in at the hospital for a planned baby inducing for Quincey, speaking to the nurse through the window, "This is weird, I feel like I'm checking into a hotel....'Hi, I'm here to have a baby?'"

11. Sleeping with earplugs is a great way to pretend you can't hear your husband saying, "The baby's crying...hun?....Liz???...."

12. Never ever ever pay your cable bill on time. It's best to wait until the TV doesn' t work or you can't use the internet, because every webpage that opens up is Comcast saying, "PAY YOUR BILL."

13. Hide your credit card statements in a magazine you know your husband will not look through, like Simple Scrapbooks...or Domino.

14. "One day she'll LIKE Time-Out."

15. No photo-op is complete without a squished in close-up picture of "Sisters!"

16. "Avery, say 'Shake shake shake....shake shake shake, shake your booty, shake your booty."

17. It's completely fine to always order off the kid's menu at a restaraunt. But when you do, always ask like your embarrassed and this is the first time you have EVER done this. "Um...is it okay if I order something of the kid's menu???"

18. When you get a chance to sneak a shower in before your husband leaves to work, make sure you make it count. At least 20 minutes at at least 112 degrees.

19. Every time your husband rips one, walk into it like Kramer walking into Jerry's house and react like it's the first time you have ever smelled a fart in your entire life. "Oh my gosh!! Did you fart!?"

20. No matter how much free scrapbooking supplies you get, always support your LSS (?) and buy a couple pages here and there.

21. The kid's bedtime is ALWAYS at 8pm...except on Tuesday/Wednesday because of American Idol and Thursday because of The Office...and Friday because we're partying.

22. Family is the most important thing in the world, no matter how crazy and silly everyone is.

23. "Vanilla is the new cholocate!" (while ordering a Frosty.)

24. Even if you scrapbook 73 pages in 2 months and you swear you will never ever do another scrapbook page again, those feelings only last for about 43 seconds and you will soon start another layout.

25. The Dash-cam shot is the ONLY way to prove you actually took a road trip.
26. Always support your husband's attempt to prove he is not a Fat-A, even if it means going with him to another state to do so.

27. Always carry-on family traditions, even if it means having to sleep over on the side of the road, get soaked when the sprinklers come on, and chase your kids away from huge parade floats.

28. "I could live on Tiger's Blood."

Most important lesson I've learned from Liz is that you love people no matter what, always assume the best in people, and use the talent's God has given you to make things beautiful

Happy Birthday Liz.

EVERYONE LEAVE A BIRTHDAY WISH and I will enter you into a drawing for an autographed picture of myself mowing the lawn in a speedo. kidding