Friday, August 7, 2009

Confessions of a SAHD

(hijacked by Collin)
Bored.

Kids are napping, at the same time...I've been looking forward to some free time, cuz I have a million things to do: clean the house, take the clothes out of the wash that now smell like mildew and spray a gallon of Febreze on them, scrape dried Chex off the floor beneath Quincey's high chair because 14 month olds feel inclined to drop all unwanted food, maybe finish painting the kitchen cabinets so we can finally take the tape off the walls and put handles back on the drawers .........but all I can muster up energy for is...uh...looking at blogs?

Liz is bringing home the bacon at CKU and I am officially Stay-at-Home-Dad...for 3 days. I thought I'd share some of my experience, I mean, isn't that what blogs are for? Everyone in the world is anxious to read what's in my diary, right? "Dear Diary, sorry it's been sooooooooo long since I last wrote..." Why do we feel we need to apologize to a book?

Here it goes:
Thursday Night- Sleep? What's that? What does that word even mean anymore? REM cycle? Is that the name of their new comeback CD?

4:39am- Avery comes in and lays on the bed, perpendicular to me with her feet on my face. She must've dreamt she was Michael Phelps doing a 354,000 meter butterfly cuz the kicking never stopped.

6:15am- Both kids up. Go to kitchen, unscrew 2 sippy's. Smell the cups and get a nice lung-full of half rotten milk. Grimace, as if I were expecting to smell fresh tulips. Clean sippys, fill to brim with milk, turn on PBS and fall back asleep on the couch.



6:17am- Avery is too into the show to want to walk all the way down to the hallway bathroom so she pp's on the carpet.

6:18am- Ask her "Hey, where does PP go?!"........."Inna Potty!" she replies.

6:18:05am- back to sleep

6:21am- go to the kitchen, get out the oatmeal, forget to put any in the bowl and microwave empty bowl for 90 seconds. Pull out piping hot empty bowl, realize there's no oatmeal in it, try again.

6:39am-Put Quincey in her high chair, slice up a banana. Face her towards the window, so that when she is done eating she'll look outside for at least 20 more minutes before crying and give me more time to waste time on the computer.


6:41am- Add way too much brown sugar to the oatmeal, and commence my daily attempt of Mid-Flight Re-Fueling: I chase Avery around and try to spoon food into her mouth. This is an exercise in futility.

7:01am- Give up on feeding Avery and change the channel to "Sid the Science Kid". Try to understand the purpose of the "Gerald" character on that show. Hyperactive ADD kid? Hmmmm... government conspiracy?

7:05am- Turn on computer. My heartbeat starts to increase as I see all the new posts on my Google Reader. I spend 45 minutes reading about successful business owners, entrepreneurs, and MLB players, meanwhile constantly asking myself, "How do they manage to do it all? I swear they're totally faking it."

7:50am- Quincey starts losing interest in the lawn and dying bushes out front and starts whining. I cave and break up some dry cookies from Sunday. Go back to computer.

8:35am-fill bathtub to 1.5 inches since that stupid "Parents Aware" commercial on drowning kids scared the heck out of me.

8:55am- bathwater starts getting cold. Drain cold water, refill with warm, and start bath time over.

9:15am-fresh diaper/undies and clothes for the kids. Avery is wearing yellow plaid pants with a shirt my mom got on a cruise that has two cartoon Dalmatians hugging and says, "Croatia" above them.
9:18am-change recently fresh diaper that now is filled with a dozen Milk Dud-like substances.

10:22am- Trip to Costco. I really don't need a bag of 188 rolls of toilet paper, but oh...well...

10:25am- start noticing I am the ONLY male at Costco who is not an employee. Offer a guy $10 for his red vest and name-tage so I feel less awkward.

10:31am- find myself turning into a Costco Food Sampler. The "Sampler People" know who you are. "Uh....what is this? Artichoke hearts? ....Mmmmm....those look delicious, maybe I'll take just one. MMMMMMMmm, those ARE good, let me grab a couple more for my kids (pretend to give them to kids and eat them myself). Uh....what, uh...what isle are these on? Oh...I better go grab a box of those before they're all...gone..."(start walking down the isle until I'm out of site, make a run for the dairy section as I have no intention on buying a 10-gallon drum of artichoke hearts.)

11:18am- trip to the Thanksgiving Point Farm. Again, quickly noticing I am the ONLY dad there.

11:24am- start getting strange looks from all the moms. "Uh, hi...I'm not going to offer your kids candy from the back of my van."

11:25am- make a mental note to call Supercuts sometime, wondering if my curly hair makes me look like a pedophile.

11:34am- give Avery a handful of corn kernels to feed a horse.

11:35am- console a crying Avery after pulling her hand out of stupid hungry horses' mouth. Later notice sign that reads, "Please do NOT feed this horse."

11:36am- look at the clock and think, "Oh my gosh...it's only 11:36am? What am I supposed to do for the next 9 hours?"

12:43am-try to feed Avery the healthy snacks I brought.

12:44am- ditch that idea, go to Iceberg and get a huge strawberry shake. Mentally check one serving off the fruit and dairy food group. Feel good about myself.

12:58pm- Avery is screaming all the way home. Feel bad about myself.

1:47pm- put kids down for a nap. Both have a bad cough so I pull out the Dimetapp. A drop falls on my hand, I taste it, and make a mental note to start giving my sick kids Alexander the Grape Otter Pop juice instead since it's the EXACT SAME THING.

1:48pm- get tempted to give 2 extra drops of cough medicine to each kid after I quickly equated a drop of cough medicine is worth 7 more minutes of sleepy time.

1:55pm- ignore the messes, laundry, bills, and start searching ambiguous terms in Youtube like "funny" or "stupid". Watch Chocolate Rain 11 times and that "Give 'em the evil eye, son" baby 14 times. Notice that the baby is in his car-seat holding an ice cream Drumstick. Feel better about giving my kid a strawberry shake.

4:02pm- both kids are up.

4:11pm- both kids are now crying

4:15pm- muster the energy to unstick my sweaty backside from the pleather office chair and go get the kids.

5:01pm- attempt a fancy dinner of Macaroni and Cheese. Read the box label. "Wait a second, since when did 1 box yield 4 servings?

5:02pm- feel fat

5:15pm-Overcook mac and cheese, put kids in car, and go to Little Ceasar's for a pizza.

5:31pm- hand over $5.39 to a very Gothic looking teenage cashier and leave Little Ceasar's feeling happy, but also ticked off at my parents for some reason.

6:18pm - bored, contemplating recreational/time-wasting options.

6:47pm- desperate

7:08pm- put kids in the car and head for the mall.

7:31pm- another strawberry shake and it's off to the mall playground. Take out 3-gallon bottle of Purell I picked up at Costco earlier that day. Douse kids head to toe.

7:59pm- look at my watch and think, "One more minute....one more minute....one more minute..."

8:00pm- attempt to put two screaming kids in the car. Avery goes into her carseat as easy as a cat goes into a bathtub. I keep wrestling her as concerned passer-bys look at me like I'm an idiot. I start bribing with another strawberry shake. Quincey puts her thumb in her mouth and give me the, "There goes your 'Father of the Year Nomination' look.

8:18pm- singing "I'm just a little girl caught in the middle, life is a game and love is a riddle" song with Lenka on CD, wondering how the heck I have the words memorized.

8:37pm- got home 10 minutes ago but kids aren't asleep yet so keep driving around the neighborhood. Get suspicious looks from neighbors like I'm about to do a drive-by.

8:47pm- kids eyes starting to get droopy. I see an old man with a hose watering his driveway. Don't have the heart to tell him watering his driveway won't make an RV pad suddenly start growing.

9:03pm- kids are asleep. Try to get them into their pajamas without waking up. Wishing I could call Jason Bourne for help.

9:18pm- kids in bed, fans turned on for extra white noise.

9:19pm- back to the computer to check Google Reader. Start wondering what exactly constitutes a full-blown "blog stalker".

10:15pm- Seinfeld re-run. George purposely fails an eye exam so he can get free books on tape. Classic.

Sometime between 11:48-1:23am fall asleep. Get a couple late-night kicks to the face by Avery.


I gotta hand it to you mothers out there, being a SAHM is no easy job. I'm convinced that good parenting is less about turning your kid into a future Harvard protege graduate at age 13 and more about simply making sure you're kids...don't...die. So, for now, I will continue to complain daily about the struggles of being a hard-working husband in hopes that my cover will never be blown.

180 comments:

Heather M. said...

Oh my goodness. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. That was awesome.

Sir Scrapalot said...

Seriously...that is the most accurate account of the day as a SAHD...I get to be one all summer, being a teacher and all, and that is exactly what happens...too funny man.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making me laugh....your one heck of a guy!....

Anonymous said...

this is just hysterical. I can not believe how funny you are and how lucky she is!
Miki

AngMomof3 said...

Yes, veddy veddy funny Colin. Thanks for the comic relief today!

Anonymous said...

Too funny! My kids think I'm laughing at their conversation! I yeah, yeah them and continue reading your day! By the way... you did great!

Sara said...

Ok, I full on needed that. Especially the part that said 'but also ticked off at my parents for some reason' - FUN-NY!

carrie said...

Ha ha! That was just what I needed to end my day! Love it! :) Thanks for the laugh Collin! Can't wait to see pics from the event, Liz! I know ya'll are having fun at CKU! :)

Tina said...

Classic !! To funny, made my morning lol ! have to get hubby to read this !! / Tina

Melody Williamson said...

That was hilarious but I think the funniest part was that you sprayed febreeze on the mildewey clothes!!!! Just rewash tem next time. I dont think febreeze gets rid of mildew and probably not even the smell.lol. I know you are a great dad and husband!!!

ChristineCE said...

This is too funny! Thanks for the laugh!

PattiM said...

Ha!! Gotta love an honest man!!

Hugs,

PattiM
(Pattie's passion)

I Scrap So All Moments ARe Remembered!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the many laughs. Do your neighbors know that you have "a thing" about their watering their driveways, since you have mentioned that before. Cracks me up.

Have you ever considered writing a screenplay to sell. I think it would be a hit.

--Marilyn
Northern VA

Carla said...

that is a riot!!

Michele Bailey said...

All I can say is...Thank you.
The humor in that just made a SAHM's day. P.S...You and Liz are lucky to have each other.
Michele

Jennifer said...

Oh the joys of young children! Mine are older, but still got flashbacks for when they were younger! Priceless! Thank you so much for the laughs Collin!

Jenn in Vancouver

Mary and Ryan said...

Collin, you are the greatest! I think you should do a post at least once a week just to give us all a good laugh. Facebook got about a million times better after you joined. Ryan keeps telling me that his favorite thing about facebook is your updates! Hope you survive the few days without Liz. I think you guys need a vacation....perhaps one to NC?? Get on it my friend, get on it!

Mindy said...

I think you are awesome...
Thank you for the laugh.. can I get a little message like this everyday, just to lift my spirits? ;)

Jenny said...

Oh Collin...you are a funny, funny man.

Em said...

THANK YOU! For some reason men always think being SAHM is the EASIEST, FUNNIEST job in the whole world. At least my husband thinks so... this was hilarious! I think all fathers need to spend 3 days straight alone with there kids just so they appreciate the wife all the more so. :) Thanks for the laughs... and most of the time when I do see a dad out and about with his kids I think... what the heck? My husband never is home on the weekdays.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. This was the best, most interesting thing I read today. Too funny. Becca :)

Melanie B said...

OMG every time I read one of your posts it is ROFL!!! I do not know how Liz gets anything done, I would be laughing at you the whole Day. You guys are so awesome for each other & have a great family. thanks for the laughs, made me realise that although it is hard at home (I love it) it really is how you look at it & take each day!!! Keep them coming.

Agnes said...

Too funny! Thanks for the laughs. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings you!!! Keep it coming.

Melissa Davis said...

Oh my gosh, this CRACKED me up!! I met your gorgeous wife at MWAMI and I just love your guys' blog!

The Gorbys said...

You just made my day! Thanks!

Briana said...

Collin- hilarious! I, too, woke up to kicks in the face from a perpendicular child, wonder constantly if Sid is maybe in a special school with kids who have seriously awesome dance moves, and I *heart* Google Reader. Good luck for another couple days!

Andrea said...

Okay Collin...if you're reading this you are obviously on the computer....again. Are the kids crying in the background???? Get off the computer and take those cute kids of yours for another strawberry shake....you are hilarious. ;D Hang in there it really is the most rewarding thing you will ever do. I think David O. McKay even said so once.

Rachel said...

OMG this is classic. I'm a SAHM to a toddler and a newborn and I kept saying to myself "been there, done that." You're right, It's tough work and you are basically just trying to keep everyone alive. Need you to talk to my husband. Reminds me to write a blog like this. Thanks!

Rachel B.

Bonnie said...

Tears are running down my face with laughter. So right on and yet so funny! What a fantastic POST! I have to share this one with my husband.

Thanks for sharing!

Still laughing!

Cindy said...

I've never commented on Elizabeth's blog before, even though I've followed it for a while. But that was so classic and awesome. Thanks for the chuckles!

Erin said...

That was hysterical!

Jean said...

This was HILARIOUS! I was laughing so hard reading this post. You are so right on with your day! We've all been there. Please keep the posts coming....

Julie said...

Thanks so much for that Collin!! I laughed so hard because half the stuff you were doing on this day I do on a daily basis, Um laundry smelling like mildew because it got left in the washer... that's me!!

Too funny!!

Julie H.

Rhonna Farrer said...

hang in there, Collin!
it's all worth it!
R

Rene' said...

Hilarious!!! I so remember being there. Believe me, it does get better. I know everyone says that- but really it does. And you will sleep again- not anytime in the near future- but again.

Rachel said...

ROFL!!

Thanks for the down low of your adventures.

Now just to get my DH to pony up to trying to wrangle our 2 chitlins at once for a day.

Any secrets you want to share...?

AnnaMarie Ferrell said...

Very funny, Collin. I'm glad you get the chance to be a SAHD...it's priceless. Thanks for writing about it. And thanks for writing it on a blog I stal...read so I have something funny to read tonight as my daughter falls asleep instead of doing dishes, laundry, or other cleaning. :)

Hello there! said...

Thanks for the post. I laughed so much. You should blog more

Hello there! said...

Thanks for the post. I laughed so much. You should blog more

Hello there! said...

Thanks for the post. I laughed so much. You should blog more

Hello there! said...

Thanks for the post. I laughed so much. You should blog more

Hello there! said...

Thanks for the post. I laughed so much. You should blog more

Hello there! said...

Thanks for the post. I laughed so much. You should blog more

Hello there! said...

Thanks for the post. I laughed so much. You should blog more

Hello there! said...

Thanks for the post. I laughed so much. You should blog more

AbbieTorroll said...

ROFL!! I was amazed (and partially embarresed ha!) with how much I related to that! TOTALLY! are you sure you weren't writing about MY day?! LOL!!! too funny Colin!

LotsToScrap said...

LOL! SAHD-SAHM it IS all about keeping them (and us) alive!
The part about getting into a carseat...still laughing!!!

Shelleycee said...

A very enjoyable post, Collin!!

bodoba said...

My neighbor is a SAHD and he says he gets those looks too in public places. Thanks for the laugh!

Meredith said...

I don't have kids but if I did Colin I would hire you to babysit anyday!! Awsome job of making it through the day.

Savitri said...

I love Liz's posts but I got to say, yours is way better :P You sound like my husband. He always make ppl laugh like this.

Brenda said...

That was hilarious to read, and bravo to you for taking on the job on being SAHD for a few days. Sounds like you're doing just fine.

Adrienne said...

LOVE IT! Thanks for sharing! Read it to a friend! He loved it too!

Jerusha said...

Oh my gosh, that was the best thing I have ever read in a long time. I laughed out loud at so many parts, but my favourite was the first little bit...

Both kids up. Go to kitchen, unscrew 2 sippy's. Smell the cups and get a nice lung-full of half rotten milk. Grimace, as if I were expecting to smell fresh tulips. Clean sippys, fill to brim with milk, turn on PBS and fall back asleep on the couch.

As I was reading that, I thought...hmmm...does this guy live in my house? Hahaha! Gives me a picture of what my dear hubby goes through when I go away. Too funny! I bet he wouldn't trade those moments for anything...except maybe a strawberry shake! LOL!

Ronda Simpson said...

OMG!!! Hilarious!!! Hats off to you, SAHD!!! :)

rachaelwood said...

Congrats Colin on NOT killing your kids! personally or on accident! There are days I want to drop mine off at a bus stop with a backpack! And just for the record, my kids god a sno cone AND a sonic slushie today! But I took them to the zoo.... that counts right? Being a mom is rough. But so is being a dad. You guys work your butts off and no one has sympathy for you. Mom's have support groups! And you guys miss SOOOOOO much. Like next time Liz gives Avery a milkshake and doesn't tell you about it, I bet avery will paint on the car window with it! Thanks for sharing your day with us! Give your wife a kiss and tell her thanks!

Rae said...

Hey were you spying on me?? That sounds exactly like my day as a SAHM! Really, Colin, you are freaking hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

deana said...

It is very rare that I can laugh that loud at a blog post. Thanks for sharing your day, I need that. :-)

Candace said...

I am not exactly sure what you do for a living but I am starting to think you should become a comedian or freelance writer. Seriously, thanks for sharing and spreading the laughter. Hang in there ;)

emily said...

OMG Collin, we had the EXACT same day!!! Thanks for showing me the funny in it :)
Good luck with the rest of your time as a SAHD!

Kit said...

Collin, Q & A ran me to exhaustion in a mere two hours today during your lunch meeting!

I found myself wondering if I could last 10 more minutes as nap time approached and I had no porta- crib. Between Qu-ee trying to flush a stainless steel water bottle down the toilet, climbing back into the tub after I got her out and dressed, bonging her face on the faucet in the bath since she refused to sit down, wanting to turn on the hot every time I took my hand off her, opening all the not childproofed cabinets, and keeping her from falling into the cracks around the trampoline, I was wiped by the time you got back! You get Daddy of the year for this weekend!

Love your busy little bees....Gigi

clippergirl said...

You crack me up....so utterly funny! Sounds like an okay day to me....LOL. Keep up the good work, and to keep yourself from further injury or heart-attacks from being kicked while sleeping....sleep with your back to the kids, being kicked in the back of the head is much less painful...LOL. Rest up! and just have fun with the girls

Anonymous said...

Priceless - thanks for sharing a glimpse of your wonderful family in such a funny way. Blessings to you all! Keep up the good work!!

Lori said...

HILARIOUS!!!! Thanks for the good laugh after an entire day at the mall school shopping with three kids under 8. Such a great account of a stay at home day!

Kat said...

oh my goodness awesomeness. loved it!

YouScrapbook said...

A Classic! I think you have a good chance at making millions writing blogs for other people.

Mollie said...

Hahaha...so stinking funny! I can honestly say my kids would not survive the day if my hubs had to do the SAHD thing.

You deserve a huge 'CONGRATULATIONS' for the simple fact that your little munchkins survived the day:o)

just B said...

Collin, that was some funny stuff, thanks for the laugh @ your expence. It's not easy to be a parent - but keep up the great effort, that's all kids care about anyway - that and strawberry shakes :p

Gordostyle said...

That was good. That was REAL good!

Nikki said...

You are hillarious! I always half sleep in the morning while my daughter watches PBS. And what is up with Gerald???

xander's mama said...

For a second there I thought I was reading about my day and was slightly confused. Then I remembered that I only have one child and his name is Xander! I don't know about other SAHMs. but I sure ain't livin' it up like June Cleaver! Colin you are freaking hilarious--thanks for making me laugh today!

Jill said...

Just wet my pants...

Nah, but close!

connie tacazon said...

I can so relate! I'm only a SAHM on Saturday and Sunday and this is exactly how my weekends go. LOL.

Mistylynn said...

Oh my, thank you for making my evening...so when can you talk to my husband? Hahaha.

the johnson's said...

Too funny!
My dad always says that "sleeping with a kid is like sleeping with a helicopter." Never quite got it until I had kids of my own.
And my husband often reports the "what-in-the-world-is-this-guy-doing-in-Lowe's-with-three-little-girls" looks he receives from people. I think he secretly loves it.
And props to you for parenting the kids. My husband was doing the same thing while I got to take Liz's album track in Nashville. You guys are awesome!

traceyjb said...

Too funny... I cracked up while reading about your Costco trip! Who hasn't enjoyed the samples a little more than they should?

Your wife is such an amazing talent - (you know this of course)! So glad's she there to inspire us all!

mandyb said...

Such
A
Hiliarious
Diary

thanks for the laugh.... so HOW many days are you at home?? hee hee

Kim said...

Seriously? I wish more men had an inside look at "our" life! I am a SAHM of 4 and I needed - so needed- a good laugh. Ah...is all I could say and nod my head in wonderment. Makes you appreciate the little things once again. And it is 1:12 in the morning and I am doing what? Trying to get some "me" time. Hah! I will be asking for it in the morning. Thanks Collin! You're a good Dad and hubby!

Victoria said...

My daughter has a one year old and has been stressed out studying for a nursing exam. I sent her your post and she loved it. Thank you for brightening her day and mine!

Jennifer.T said...

thankyou thankyou thankyou for making me laugh so much, I really needed that!! Do you have your own blog? If you did I'd SO read it!!

Valerie Spence said...

Looking forward to the next 2 days installments. ;)

Lara said...

Hilarious!!!!

krazgrl said...

This was too funny to wake up to. It took me back to the days of reading Erma Bombeck, if you don't know her you should check it out. Like the Grass is always greener over the septic tank. You are like a male updated version of Erma. Sounds to me like you have everything under control. You better be careful, Liz may not come home for another day. TFS - :o)

Ginger@From The Cocoon said...

ROFL! I love the play by play!

You can do it...and be sure to give Liz an extra hug & kiss, realizing all she does to keep you kiddos "alive." LOL

April F said...

Hysterical!!!

Amanda said...

just think liz does all that and STILL manages to scrap...! loved your post and yes, it is all.about.survival!!!

Renee S. said...

Hysterical! I promise you, it gets easier and they grow up. Then sometimes you kind of miss those days (only sometimes).

Michelle said...

Awesome post! I could totally relate, although I'm a mom not a dad. Thanks so much for making my day. I just "stalk" your blog and usually I find great music for our family slideshows. You both are amazing! Happy Anniversary, by the way. What a great family!

tccba said...

You just described my life, but it is never that funny on my end!

cindy said...

COLIN.... YOU ROCK!! I NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH, THE KIND THAT MAKES YOU CRY AND LIGHTENS YOUR HEART. THANKS!!!

d_engler4 said...

Collin, That was a riot! I am all by myself, reading this blog and laughing so hard, out loud! My kids are grown now, but ohhhh the memories! I am so envious of Liz! I wish you would teach classes on how to look at life with humor. I would put my husband first on the sign-up list! It really IS all in the attitude, and keeping a sense of humor and optimism! I try to tell my hubby that all the time! Thank you so much for the blog! It was not only funny, but true and very clever! Never, ever lose that wonderful sense of humor, Collin! It really does help get us through the rough times in life! Thanks again! :)

s a n s k u :) said...

love it when you hijack the blog collin! you're too funny! thanks for showing how hard being a sahm is. :)

kyla said...

Oh I needed that! I laughed so hard I almost pd myself. The funny thing is thats a normal day for all us SAHM but we forget the entertainment value untill someone brilliantly journals it. Thank you Collin you made my day!!
Kyla

Jason and Amy said...

Seriously dying laughing. SO funny because it is SO freakin true!

Kelli said...

Sounds like you copied my day. So funny...

Chelsea Ling said...

hehehe... :)

Alyse said...

That was awesome...so funny!

Traci said...

too stinking funny..........

Jennifer said...

Ok...you should write a book! You would definitely be on the best seller's list! Too funny!

Mimmers49 said...

Liz always says your funny...but really you are funny...are we all just egg'n you on now? Well, you are hilarious anyhow! I think your a wonderful Dad...thanks for letting us see the "Dad's point of view"!

Anonymous said...

There aren't too many blogs that I read that I Laugh my butt off like that! Thanks Collin! Elizabeth is one lucky girl!

Mindy said...

Totally priceless. As I am sitting in my car for some much needed quiet time while hubby and kiddo are at the gym I am laughing my buns off!!! Thanks for your take on our daily stresses of being sahm. You should post more often. Thanks to your lovely wife for giving me something to look forwrd to reading each day!!

Jeannine said...

You nailed it! That is pretty much what our days look like. Glad you got a good taste of it. I just dont understand why everyone else thinks it is so funny!
Just kidding. Welcome to the world of SAHM/D's!

randomscraps said...

Hilarious! I so needed a good laugh. Thanks for making my day... Now back to the other 852 unread google reader posts :)

froutu said...

Congratulations. You have experience one of the ENDLESS days in my life. Except I have an extremely needy little boy in between two girls that are exactly your girls' ages. And another one on the way. If I lived in Utah our kids could be best friends since they behave exactly the same way. I really cherish those 20 horrible minutes it takes to peel your kids off the playground and get them all strapped in the car, screaming their heads off. That's the best.

Hallie Weibel said...

Colin-
every time you blog, I laugh hysterically! This might top your birthday post to Liz...

I totally agree about Gerald, that kid is only on the show to teach our kids to ignore/tolerate the ADHD behavior from their future classmates.

As to parenting, my 5 year old is watching cartoons on my dog's bed in his undies while eating cheeze its. We all have those days!

Ashleigh said...

Hahaha! This was beyond hilarious. Thanks for the hijack and making us all laugh!

Sara said...

LOL!! Gotta show this to my hubby!

trish said...

haha! I dont know you, but my friend Mary told me I HAD TO READ THIS! So here I am sitting at my desk laughin my head off...bc I can so relate to your day. Hang in there!

Angie said...

You crack me up every time! It is so true about making sure the kids don't die. I can't believe how much time I spend just trying to keep them alive. It seems like they would come with a better survival instinct than that. For bribing I go with kid cones from MCD's. They are only a quarter and if they end up with 3 in a day it is REALLY the equivalent of 1 cone, Right? Thanks for the laugh!

LaVon said...

Jeez Louise I'm ROFL over here!! I know Lizzy said you always keep her laughing and now I beleive the girl!!! Wow that was funny! Thanks for hi-jacking!

BTW: Dont cut the curly locks!!! They're adorable (lol...pedophile! ha!)

yourstorystudio said...

Absolutely priceless!!! Loved your look into the everyday "mundane"! It really is small stuff that adds up to a lifetime of wonderful memories! I do love your locks but I can also see how they might hamper one's first impression, especially seeing you wrestling with Avery to get in her car seat! :) Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

I swear I started clapping when I saw that you were posting! This was the best thing I read today... thanks for the laugh! Keep up the great work!

Jill P.

Michele H. said...

This is absolutely hilarious! Laughed out loud the whole time!! TFS

alicia.king said...

...you had me at 'a dozen milk dud like- substance' this was too funny I had my husband come in and read a long, then somehow we ended up on your cruise karaoke video, and he said 'boy he can't sing' lol! you are a crack up!

bink & boo said...

Thank you so much for the knee slapping post!

Frostedbetty said...

That was awesome :) Thanks for the laugh and its good to know that a sahd's day is the same as my sahm's day :)

Sara Ancich said...

Not sure what you do for a living, but if it is not writing...you are in the wrong business.

Rena said...

I cant get over the empty bowl in the microwave....that was too funny!

Kim Strother said...

Wow...looks like Collin should start his own blog...funny posy, good photos and he already has 118 comments. Thanks for the laugh!!

SpyGirls99 said...

Collin you are SO FUNNY!!.. I loved reading this it made me feel i was reading a repeat of my days. Thanks for the fun laugh!..

Jenny said...

OMG I haven't laughed like that in sooo long! You described everything so perfectly. Now I know I'm not the only one going through a day like yours :) being a SAHM or dad is a HARD (volunteer just so I don't say unpaid) job.
Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

Great way to finish my day. lol
Love your writing!!!

Teresa

casey boyd said...

That was a hysterical ending to my day! Thanks Collin!

Joanie said...

OMG that was absolutely hysterical! Thank you for the laughs!

NikJustNik said...

Thanks for giving me something to giggle to at the end of my day!!! I love it when you hijack the blog LOL!!! Keep it up Collin you are doing a great job as a SAHD!!!

Jules D said...

It takes a few days like that to remind you how awesome your wife is and to appreciate her constantly. Too funny. We've definitely had days like that around here and I only have one child. I often think of those days when I'm wanting another and think I must be crazy.

Michelle Vandepol said...

fabulously entertaining (not to downplay your SAHD angst ;)

senovia said...

You are so funny! I feel that way almost every day! Except for the only man at Costco part (since I'm a girl). ;)

Mary said...

TOO FUNNY!

Jung A said...

Collin! you are a funny guy!! Loving the pixel pop by the way!

Anonymous said...

OMG I laughed through this entire post!!! Not only because it was funny, but because it is how I feel everyday!! Especially the desperate part, I'm never quite sure I am keeping my kids engaged and active enough. Oh well, at least I'm not alone!

emily said...

yes, gerald! what is freaking wrong with that kid?!

Brandie said...

Collin, you are the best! I love reading your posts, I always die laughing. Genius and might I add TRUE!

Mauri said...

That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thanks for the props to us SAHMs. I hope tomorrow goes a little easier for you. Thanks for the good laugh and good luck! And I love Seinfeld re-runs, George is so darn hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I just ppd on the carpet from laughing soooooo hard. Me and Avery like two pee's in a pod!

April said...

Awesome!! I'm making my husband read this because I just turned him into a SAHD, and lately his venting about it has sounded a lot like Collins. Too funny!

Just Rhonda said...

heehee. Awesome. And I think I'll make my hubby read it too :)

Andrea F. said...

My kids are 16 months apart and my husband was deployed to Iraq for the first 10 months of the young one's life. I totally get it. Thanks for appreciating us SAHMs :)

noel joy said...

i don't care what anyone says about you collin... i think you're a good dad. :D

Kristen said...

You are freakin' hilarious!

angie+matt said...

lol! That's adorable!

Mazza said...

Hilarious - great writing, I felt like I was there with you!

Krys72599 said...

Just out of curiosity, Liz, do you get as many comments as your SAHD did?!? But seriously, C, kudos for putting into words, and in writing, what we all face, day to day, hour to hour - but the best part? Your thoughts: strawberry shake - one fruit and one dairy? Genius!

Erica R said...

That is too funny and so true!

scarthur said...

This is the funniest thing ever! I literally laughed out loud!!

Stacy Milford said...

Collin...you are too much! Good luck with the stay@home dad thing...I knew there was a reason I chose to work outside of the home...for one, my kids are still alive!!! LOL!

Lindsay Jones said...

I had my husband read it with me and he was laughing too! Loved the Costco description.

Anonymous said...

LOL! thanks for the honest/funny sharing with us.
now add a 2 year old BOY into the mix, thats when you really hope to keep everyone ALIVE!
thanks for the encouragment for us SAHM's!
:)
a

juliadhull said...

The empty bowl in the microwave was a good cackle! Hang in there Colin!

fay copeland said...

you are a hoot. i laughed till i cried. fay

Debby Schuh said...

I was with Elizabeth at CKU and know that she worked hard, too. If she'd only known what was going on at home! I think every dad should have to do mom duty to appreciate it fully! :)

CAROL D SIMONS said...

So funny Collin, I laughed the hardest at the angry at parents part ba haha ha ah so funny. PS you did great!

metrochic said...

i'd high five you, but you're probably too beat. i know i am! much love for keepin' 'em alive. it TOTALLY is what it's all about.

Anonymous said...

k i have to say that not many things are good enough for me to stop reading my book but that was awesome. well done. and back to my book.

Anonymous said...

ok so awesome totally worth taking a break from my book for.

The Fritz Family Blog said...

So funny I almost pp'd on the carpet =)

ruth said...

Collin, you're a RIOT! Thanks for the trip down memory lane. This a "2-page" LO to document the day and photos to prove it. Thanks for the laughter! It is hard when the kids are small and not able to do for themselves. Once they're in school, it gets little bit easier (a tiny bit) LOL! Love your humor side.

pakosta said...

that's great!!! LOL!
tara

Melissa said...

My wife, the blogger whose account I'm using to post this comment, just made me a SAHD by starting a new job today.

Our 15-month-old is not content unless she's either destroying things, eating or riding in the car. We spent a good portion of the day running errands just to keep her from wrecking the house.

Holli and Billy said...

Good crap. That totally made my day! I really needed that!

Michelle Aguilar said...

Really cute!!!! what an adorable dad and husband you have!!!
I just can't believe how well he did and what a great sense of humor!!! Go colin!!! You should be in the parents magazine!

Michelle Aguilar said...

Really cute!!!! what an adorable dad and husband you have!!!
I just can't believe how well he did and what a great sense of humor!!! Go colin!!! You should be in the parents magazine!

leni said...

what a lovely post and beautiful pictures!

i'm andie... said...

so i saw this post the other day but i kinda just scrolled though it because it was so long and i didn't have the time...not realizing it's hilarious-ness...until just now. that's great stuff!

xoxo andie...

Cheryl said...

OMG! That was just hysterical!!! You are a funny man. My jaws hurt.

jefra said...

collin, you're amazing. to our credit, we did think of you as we sipped on mo'tinis at Spark and did a little dancing. Well, Margie did anyway. I forwarded this on to David (he's a WAHD and that so often bleeds into the SAHD - so yeah, he can relate).

thanks for making our fun times possible. its you hidden heros that let mine have it's highlights.

Ryan, Tristin and Lakai said...

You and Collin always take the most amazing pictures. What kind of camera do you use? I'm sure you have this posted somewhere but I just can't find it. Thanks,
Tristin

Amy said...

thanks for making me laugh ~ i needed that dose of reality! :)

Shemaine Smith said...

This is the BEST blog post I've read all week! I laughed so hard and cried at the end with your sweet words of support for all us SAHM's. Oh and a 1/2 cup of vinegar in the wash will take the mildew smell right out of those towels and clothes. Much cheaper than Fabreeze

Astrid said...

O M G! I haven't laughed this hard in weeks!

LOL!

Yvette said...

Dude! Colin!
I laughed so hard I cried. Being a SAHM is so not the glamorous job I thought it would be. I think your post pretty much summed up why it is soooo not glam. Thanks for the laughs!

Dolly said...

I am still laughing ... :)
This has been my life for the past year ... everyday is an adventure for sure. We have to have a little comedy in this world to get through these days. Thanks for bringing it to light from your eyes ...That was awesome :) :)

kraftyladyincali said...

omg laughing so hard i'm in tears! love this guy!

Anonymous said...

I laughed so much and instantly wanted to share your daily adventure with my husband. He is a SAHD and the 'worst' part of his day is the school drop off and pick up where he has to see the SAME MUMS and listen/participate in their SAME mindless chit chat (his words not mine)over and over again! LOL
I listen to his ramblings and do exactly what he used to do to me - roll my eyes and shake my head :-)

BlackSunshine said...

So glad I'm not the only one who thinks Gerald is a little off!

Helen Tilbury said...

What a read! That was absolutely hilarious & took me straight back to the days when my kids were your kids' ages...absolutely fantastic writing...you should get that published!

Aimee said...

Oh my gosh! I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. Thanks for making my day, week, month....longer. Liz and the girls are very lucky to have you taking such good care of them and doing it with humor.
Great job!

ninasays said...

Haha, this is so funny :) Very cool, love your post. I can totally imagine that this is how things are when you have kids. I just have a dog and sometimes even that can get somewhat tyring from time to time. You should post more often :) Many greetings from Germany!

Aphra said...

i think i peed a little....that was hilarious! that about sums up many of my days as a SAHM. never thought to document it. well, at least not so honestly! thanks!